Wednesday, October 31, 2012

No Miss Gaga, these are MY monsters.

Oh hey, it's Halloween or something like that today, right?
Yes, it's absolutely true, I used to be one of those girls who ho it up for this special occasion.
 Lady bug, girl scout, fireman... I could continue to list the messed up things I found a way to attempt to make "sexy" but let's face it, those days are long gone with my dignity, throwing up peace signs and these duck lips... 
and this was one of my mildly ho years.

Dammit, I miss college.


Moving on, since I have no costume to show off today other than exhausted working girl, hopped up on caffeine, I'm going to show off what my top two choices would be if I could trick-or-treat with some of my favorite bloggers.
Because they are probably the only ones who would actually agree to legitimately trick-or-treat with me at this age.

I feel that Sami, Kate, Brooke, Ty-Ty and myself would seriously spice up some lives dressing up as Spice Girls together.
See?
Obviously we'd sing and dance for candy.
And booze.


But really, my favorite holiday (aside from my birthday, duh - wink face) would be Christmas, so to pay tribute I think Ty-Ty sparkle unicorn and myself would make a pretty jolly Santa and Buddy the Elf.
See?


Enjoy your Halloweeny everyone and to those of you still in college, living up those awesomely scandalous costumes, I salute you. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Two anxiety ridden Maltese and one adjusting mama.

So, I'm still adjusting to this new 1 bedroom apartment thing and so are the dogs.
Yesterday I introduced my little Princess Palace to the tech savvy world of cable and internet, which basically means that I'm a citizen of America again. Thank the good lord, right?

And because cable companies are so specific and helpful, I had to bring in some back ups for the convenient time frame of 3pm-5pm so that I didn't miss them. My back up would be my mom, or Boskita.
Little did I know that confining sweet Boskita in the walls of my cable-less, internetz-less apartment would cause her to go stir crazy. Or maybe she got in to the boxed Chard?
All I know is that I began to receive photos like this while I was closing down my work day:
-Insert my rushing home abnormally faster than the usual.-
I'm fairly certain they were overly ecstatic to see my face walk in that door. 
Oh, that Boskita. Sorry, babies.


Speaking of babies, they haven't adjusted to the new place yet - in fact, I am currently in the market for some type of dog weed to calm their nerves. Moving is stressful stuff when you're 3 and 7 pounds, apparently. 
Which was made pretty clear when I found that one of these little devils angels took to gnawing on a door frame while I was at work yesterday. I'm so pleased, really.
If anyone has a dog weed guy, hook a sister up.

They're still doing their part to keep mama bear safe though...
Terrifying, I know.


Anyways, that's really all I've got for you today. 2 anxiety ridden Maltese and one adjusting mama.

I hope all of my Eastern Amurica people are hanging in there and Sandy isn't beating on you too hard. This Floridian knows all about bastard storms and I know you all can't be having a good time. You all are in my thoughts and prayers - stay safe, please.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The weekend I boozed because I moved.

Oh hey there, my loves! It's Monday, if you were unaware, and I feel like I got beat up this weekend.
Much to the disappointment of you haterade drinkers out there, I did not get beat up. I spent my weekend moving, drinking, moving, drinking, unpacking and drinking a little more. 
You see, the booze cushions the pain of the moving. Until it wears off, of course, and that's where I'm at today. 


So, enough about my moving induced binge drinking - allow me to show you my weekend in photos, because Monday's are the one day in blog world you don't have to come up with a real topic to talk about.


So, if you live under a rock, or don't follow me on the Tweeter or Instagrammy machines, you may not be aware that I officially signed the next 12 months of my life away and got the keys to the Princess Palace on Friday morning.
I did my hair and makeup just so I could take this charmingly cliched photo for this post. You're welcome.
#bloggerprobz

Here's what she looks like from the back door. She's very naked right now - excuse her while she waits for her new sofa and ottoman to be delivered in 6-8 weeks. (See also: F to the ML)

Here is reason numero uno that I needed this Princess Palace. Now, someone come visit so I have a reason to cook in this bad boy.

Reason numero two... I can do laps in the tub and fully intend on it.
Hey Lush, let me know if you need me to review any bath bombs for you.


And so that was day one. My furniture didn't get moved until Saturday - so the rest of this day was for drinking and going to see Wanda Sykes with my lover, Kate.

We had way too much fun despite Wanda using the first hour of her set as an Obama rally. I enjoyed her set on boobs much better. 
And also roaming City Walk with Kate and vodka.


Saturday the movers came at 8:30am which was just everything I wanted after a night of drinking mass amounts of vodka. This day was exhausting to the 500th power and I am happy to announce that I didn't even have one meltdown. Impressive, I know.

My Saturday night went a little like this...
Chardonnay, leopard robe, 27 Dresses, asleep by 10.

I got a full 11 hours of sleep and it was pretty much the greatest thing of my life.
And then I used all of that energy to drink around the world with my birthday girl, Amanda.
Oh hey, toasted girl.


And with that, I'm out. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

The Judgment of Bartenders

So lemme tell you 'bout my best fran ....



See?  Best frands.


I'm just kidding sillies, we aren't really Rob and Big.

My chesties aren't as voluptuous as Big's. Duh.

***************

Oh heyyyy everyone.  I'm Tyler from Arkansassy.

While my Rainbow Brite sparkle friend Pretty Whitty is off moving into her pink Princess Palace, she asked me if I could play substitute teacher.

Of course, I said yes.  Because, as it turns out, we're pretty much the same person with different hair colors.

I thought long and hard about the sage wisdom and ridiculous stories I wanted to give y'all.  I thought about telling you guys how I once got my tongue stuck in a bottle, or about how I sometimes dream about Sasquatch, or the time I lost my keys in the yard and blamed the dog.

Instead, I'm gonna fill you in on a secret.

Y'all ready?

Bartenders judge you based on what you drink.

Meep.  Sorry.

I bartended for quite some time, and lemme tell ya - what you drink defines who you are.  Bartending a restaurant, you don't see all of your patrons, so you just imagine what they look like in your head. You guess what they wear, how old they are, what their story is ... I think this is a skill somewhat inherent in bartenders.  Like a booze-slinging gypsy, we just know your story.  Maybe that's why everyone confides in us and tells us their deepest secrets.  Who knows. 

Tip: this game is especially fun in a college town.

Without further ado, let me tell you all about it.

(and please remember, this is all in good fun!)

Vodka and soda/water
This says, "I want to drink and be fun and go out with my friends, but I also want to lose weight."
See also: I will black out and probably cry about something completely random, like thinking I've upset my mother because I haven't talked to her in two days, because I haven't eaten all day either.  Then I'll throw up, get carried out and sleep for twelve hours.

Frozen drinks/ tropical drinks:
You are fresh off the 21 ship.  I remember the first time I got drunk, too! :)

Plus, Mai Tai sounds soooooo adorbs.  

And it's a play on my name, so I can't even fault anyone on that sort of cuteness.

Red Bull & vodka:
I like to party.  I also like to be completely out of control and cause my heart to stop.

Boone's Farm/ malt bevs:
You're probably using a fake ID.

Natty Lite/Keystone:
You're probably shacking in a frat house tonight.

PBR:
I'll bet you're wearing black rimmed glasses with non-prescription frames and watching Grey's Anatomy ironically.  Probably in some sort of flannel garb.  Looking cute, no doubt, but ironic nonetheless.

Cosmo:
No, I'M the Carrie!!!!

Gin Martini:
No, girl, you're the Samantha.  Rawr.

 DirtyVodka Martini:
I want to appear classy while still wanting to basically drink straight liquor and get fall-down drunk.

Glass of wine (bottle):
I'm a real class act.

Until I drink the whole bottle.

Then I fall down, and I can't be classy anymore with wet pants.

Glass of wine (box):
I'm a class act and fiscally responsible.

*********************

I'm guilty of drinking all of these, so I think that pretty much means I have some sort of not so borderline personality disorder.  I will say this, though: the Cardboardeaux is a good time.  I'm obviously a little biased.

I'd love to hear y'alls booze judgments.  Am I wrong with my judgments, or am I missing anything?

(and don't worry, Whitney will be back next week!)

If y'all get bored sometime, come on over and play with me!
________________

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Yes, I still drank the overly sweet red wine.

Oh hey, who went home yesterday and tested out quotes from my post yesterday?  Just me? It's cool, I needed it. Yesterday kind of sucked.

Today I'm going to participate in a little link up because I'm moving tomorrow (!!!!) and I just feel like it. 



It's ok...

That I've been an unorganized mess in all of this packing and moving situation. This is by far the biggest life transition I've ever experienced.

That I had my first evil no-reply creature leave me a hate comment yesterday and it made me giggle. Kudos on taking time out of your day to write me that overly thoughtful comment and thank you for mentioning that I have acceptance in the blog world. What a sweet thing to say.

That I completely jammed out hardcore to Katy Perry - Teenage Dream on my way to work today and I'm pretty sure there were at least 4 witnesses.

That I bought some overly sweet red wine (because it was on sale, of course) last night and it made me cringe. Yes, I still drank it.

That I get overly excited when I get funny comments from readers who seem to understand my sense of humor. Makes my day, especially after an asshole evil no-reply creature comment. 

That I always have to re-watch Duck Dynasty episodes because they come on at 10pm and, let's face it, if I'm sober at 10pm it's probably because I'm sick. Or dead.

That I've been admiring my bank account because I've had to save up enough money to pay all of the move-in nonsense that occurs when you rent an apartment. It will be sad to see that pretty number go bye-bye tomorrow. Le boo. 

That this princess, this angel, and this unicorn continue to remind me why I love blogging. If I never created this blog I would have never gotten to know them and, as of late, they have helped me more than they'll ever know. #mushyface 
Non-internetz people will just never get this.

Its Ok Thursdays

And now I need to go do lots of work so I can take tomorrow off of work.
If I'm not around tomorrow send me your good juju (unless you're an evil no-reply creature). I'm starting to get really nervous!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

We should call me "drunk".

With Halloween rapidly approaching, I feel today is a great day to make my own personal list of things drunk girls say. 
What does this have to do with halloween? Well, I don't know about you but I associate drinking mass amounts of alcohol with this particular holiday (and many others) because I like any reason to drink mass amounts of alcohol - especially now that I've retired participating in the dressing like a ho thing.

Also, this may or may not be entirely from personal experience and not at all what most drunk girls say.


"Jusssss one more..."

"My feet hurt so bad... should I take them off? Maybe just for a little bit..."

"Oh my god, I LOVE THIS SONG!"


"Look, it's like I'm John Mayer!"

"Totally don't text him... make him text you." 

"Let's play a game."

"Let's take a shot!"
(every 10 minutes)


"Take a picture of me like this!"

"Where the hell is the bartender?"

"Why is this phone so hard to text on right now?"
"Hold on, let me Instagram my drink."

"Oh my gosh, I love you so much."

"Ugh, I hate you. Why are you so annoying tonight?"


"Tonight is like the best night ever."

"Oh my gosh, we're totally going to brunch tomorrow morning!"
(yeah right)

"Ew, no I don't want water."


"I'm just going to take a quick nap... wake me up in 10 minutes."
(done for the night)

"Umm... I think I'm just going to have one more martini..."

"You look so pretty."


"Like in that movie... take a picture!!"

"Don't judge me..."

"Why aren't you drinking?!"

Cheers!
That's all I've got for you today. 
Obviously I'm preparing for Sunday, which would be when I get to go to Epcot Food & Wine Fest finally. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Letters to My Teenage Self

From time to time I follow in the footsteps of popular post topics and today is going to be one of those times.
This weekend, while I was throwing away going through a good portion of my possessions, I found some old photos of myself which triggered the light bulb that I need to hop aboard this post trend.

 
Letters to My Teenage Self:

You'll be glad you didn't make the cheerleading team and stuck to dance, those girls you are dancing with will have your back even 10 years from now.

Being in the popular groups on LiveJournal does not make you cool. In fact, it makes you the opposite of cool. However, you will still be close with a lot of your "LJ friends" 10 years from now. Take my word for it, they will see you go through a lot of shit and still tell you you're great.

You'll also meet up with a few of those LJ friends on a thing called Blogger in a few years and be introduced to a whole new world where being a nerd is actually pretty cool. 

You don't need the blank page extensions for your yearbook. Sorry kid, you're not cool.

Judging everyone who drinks alcohol on the weekends will only make you a hypocrite once you graduate high school. Trust me, you like to party. We all know you're only judging because you're completely jealous no one invites you to their parties.

Go get your eyebrows waxed, please. It might help with the whole get-invited-to-parties thing.

You'll never be selected for homecoming court, prom court, or any of the yearbook superlatives and it's going to be ok. Face it kid, you wear your hair in ponytails every other day, your eyebrows are bushy as hell, you wear surfer necklaces when you won't put a toe in the ocean, and you have Nsync posters in your locker - you aren't a catch. Yet. ;)

You aren't going to marry him and the world doesn't actually end when he dumps you in a couple years. It's going to hurt like a son of a bitch but I promise you it gets better

That guy making fun of you and calling you "peep" in English class is going to try and scoop you up as soon as he finds out things with that high school sweetheart of yours didn't work out. Run. Don't get involved with that one. He's a bad seed.

There are other stores besides Abercrombie and Fitch. If you take your dad's advice on anything, this is it. He wants to take you to Bloomingdales to shop for clothes - GO WITH HIM!

I know you don't know what you want to do in life yet but keep taking pictures like you love to do because one day you will be photographing weddings. Even the weddings of some of the people sitting in the desks next to you. I just blew your mind, right?

Monday, October 22, 2012

My meatball and my Quail Man.

Oh, hey there!
I'm about 5 hours later than I prefer to post but I'm finally posting so boom.
Seems I actually have to work extra hard this week since I'm taking Friday off for my big move to the Princess Palace! 

Enough excuses on my fashionably late post, today I am going to share a little series I began this weekend while packing up my life.
It seems I have some strange obsession with collecting dog hats.
Yes, you did read that correctly. I said dog hats.

Explaination: I Instagramed this photo which led to an entire series via the Twitter machine.
This is Ella modeling her sombrero.
She enjoys margaritas (Skinny Girl only, please.) and burritos.
Give her a maraca and she will bust out some serious tunes for you to cha cha to.



Here's my boy trying to get his Christmas on already.
Halloween and Thanksgiving? Nope... reindeer have to prepare early.
Also, the mean face? He's just pissed his nose isn't red.



I may not be a human mother but I can still put large flowers on my dog.
She's really excited about it too.



He likes to party.
That's his party face.


We're a big fan of Jersey Shore.
This is my meatball. We're still working on her tan.


And this is his updated version of Quail Man.
Doug Funny used a belt but Seb man is all about the tie. 
He's ready to save Patty Mayonnaise.
But not Skeeter. That name is messed up.


And there you have it, friends.
Stay tuned tomorrow to see what other sad excuse for a post I come up with.
Sorry... I'm moving, cut me some slack. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

Butt crease yoga pants.

Today I have no motivation to write much of substance here because I woke up at 5am this morning and didn't ever fall back asleep.
Anxiety is one serious son of a bitch but I'll get into that with you all another time.

Quickly, before I run to work my day away only to work my weekend away packing up my life, I need to share my current mind blowing obsession.

Bloggers, if you aren't familiar with Google Analytics you have got to go familiarize yourself right now. Seriously, I give you permission to ditch my blog and go sign up now.

If not for the great that comes with knowing how your blog is performing (I like to think of my blog as a ballerina performing on stage in a tutu) then do it for the real-time overview. Real talk, I am so amused by the feature it's embarrassing.


Here's how to install Google Analytics in your Blogger template:


Go to Settings --> Other
Find the Google Analytics box.


Next you need to open another window and sign in to Google Analytics with your blogger account.

Select on your blog on the Account Home page.
At the top left hand of your screen you'll see an orange navigation menu --> Click on the drop down  arrow of the very first box.

You should see a number that has 2 letters at the beginning --> Copy the entire number including before and after the dashes. This is your Analytics Property Web ID.


Go back to your blogger settings where you found the Google Analytics box and enter your Analytics Property Web ID.


And you're done.
Give it a couple minutes to start tracking your blog's analytics and, if you're a complete nerd like me, see how much fun it is.

Or if you don't really care about analytics you can at least find humor in seeing the current search terms leading to your blog that don't show up on your blogger stats.
Check out these gems I'm currently working with.
Yes, that does say "butt crease yoga pants".

Happy Friday, people. 


Thursday, October 18, 2012

10 reasons why Facebook sucks.

So, a few days ago I deactivated my personal Facebook account in hopes of doing a little soul cleansing, if you will.
I know, it's like I'm an alien now or something.
Now that some of my friends are realizing that my mug (and smart ass commentary) disappeared from their feeds, they have one main question:
How do you do it?!

Well today, my sweet Facebook addicted lovers, I'm going to tell you all the things that I no longer have to roll my eyes at daily because of my converting to the alien world. 

Shit I no longer have to look at because I got rid of Facebook.

1. Little Bobby did a #2 in the big boy shitter last night. 
So far my most favorite is that I no longer get day-to-day updates on small children and when they paint the pottery. People on Twitter don't talk about this shit (no pun intended... har har) or at least the people I follow certainly don't.
Point, Twitter.

2. The perfect lifers.
You know, the ones who continue to talk about how they are living the greatest life in the whole wide world and nothing ever goes wrong? Yeah, I still call bologna sandwiches on all of your perfect asses. PS. Reading your overly bragging status about how amazing your "hubby" is makes me nauseous. 

3. Hey everyone, I'm at the gym. Look at me! Look at me!
Somewhere, back in the day, when I signed up for Facebook (you know, when you actually needed a collegiate email address.) I passed by the rule that said anytime you're at the gym you have to check in on Facebook. My question to you, gym checker inners, why the hell aren't you working out?! When I go to the gym (which is never) the last thing I'm thinking about doing when I'm dying running on the treadmill is letting 800 people know I'm at the damn gym. 
I'm sweaty, I'm disgusting and I just want an effing donut. 

4. THIS PRODUCT CHANGED MY LIFE, BUY IT FROM ME RIGHT NOW!
I am not interested in P90X (we've been over this... I despise working out.), Herb life (or whatever that shit is), some powdered shake shit I'm supposed to pass off as a meal, or any other weight loss program. I lose my appetite just skimming through the same 10 people shoving their weight loss program down my throat.

5. Facebook hashtaggers.
Hashtagging is for the cooler social networking site.
Let's keep it that way.
Point, Twitter.

6. MY. LIFE. IS. OVERRRRRRRRR.
As entertaining as it is to watch people air out their dirty laundry all up in Facebook's biznasss, that shit always gets awkward. Hearing that your baby daddy left you for a younger, non-knocked up bish is just straight up depressing. I've got my own biznass to worry about.

7. "... continue reading"
Real life, just because Facebook asks you the initial question "what's on your mind", it isn't a prompt for you to verbally vomit all over that shit. 
140 character limit. Point, Twitter.

8. The Facebook relationship.
Publicizing completely private moments gives me the creeps. Quit bragging and go hang out with each other... in person.

9. Whitney 'motha effin' Ellen.
What's with everyone losing their last names and adding some completely not clever nickname in the middle? This is almost as bad as couples who share 1 Facebook account. I only want to add Martha, I'm not really interested in adding Martha N Frank

10. Facebook chat.
Last, but certainly not least, no more creepers coming out of the woodwork on Facebook chat. Hidden for life.


Moral of this story, I vote Twitter. Hashtag Bing bang boom.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

More exciting than the first time I got drunk.

Good news...
I got the apartment!!

Turns out, I wasn't getting too ahead of myself yesterday when I showed off my new goodz for the place I wasn't approved for yet. They called about an hour after I made the post and by 5pm yesterday I was lease signing. 
I'm more excited than I was the first time I got drunk.
Also about the same amount nervous and scared as the first time I got drunk... because yes, I was the overly cautious teenager who really thought I was going to get drunk and die. Or something along those lines.

Moving on, today is the perfect day for me to link-up with Michelle and show off all of the things I've been pinning in hopes of bringing them to life in my Princess Palace.
Really though... I have been trying to only pin things that I'll actually attempt to recreate. Mama only has a week and a half until she gets her keys - no time for pinfails.


Being in an apartment means smaller spaces, so I'm ditching my tv stands and am hoping to do something like this in my new bedroom and living room.
But really, I am slightly obsessed with this.



Obsessed with this idea but also slightly terrified that if I get a bastard magnet my MAC powder will fall on the floor and shatter... causing me to have a breakdown, of course.



Obviously I do not have the funds to recreate this bedroom but I am going to try and stick with the color scheme and shabby chic feel. The Princess Palace is all about pink and ruffles, duh.


I'm feeling overly ambitious about the whole Princess Palace thing currently which is causing me to have some big dreams. Big dreams include my wanting to drape my entire bedroom ceiling with tulle and christmas lights.
Princess fort, perhaps?


I have no idea how one goes about getting a large piece of wood like this in their little Kia Sportage but I'll be damned if I'm not going to try. I mean, this is slightly genius, no?


This is one of those cool... I've been doing it wrong for so long pins.
Durrrdadurrrr. Totally science.


Mark my words. There absolutely will be a chevron accent wall in my living room and it will be gold. Bing bang boom.
I've already volunteered Kate to sit there and make fun of me while I yell profanities at a roll of tape and a lifeless wall.



And there you have it... the pins I am committing to recreating and not failing at.
Now... on to packing up my life and throwing out about 80% of it. My wine budget is quickly increasing.

Friday will be one week until I move.
Holy bananas on fire.



Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Business in the front, party in the back.

Hey there, hoe there.
First thing's first... The amount of love and support I received yesterday was out of control. I can't even explain how thankful I am for this effed up blog world and how many amazing people I have met through it.
Seriously, thank you. I can not express my appreciation enough.
(My non-blog babes, too. I'm looking at you Barb and Lauren.)

Today let's get a little less whiney and talk about fun things. Fun things like moving.
Ok, maybe not actually moving because we all know how bad that sucks. I'm actually sitting here dreading packing up my kitchen right now. 
All of those boxes of pasta are going to come bite me in my BOGO loving ass. 

I'm banking on winning the lottery before my move so that I can just buy all new things and have them delivered fresh.
Sounds like a good plan, right? Who volunteers to help a sister out if they win the lottery?


Sooo, with my move rapidly approaching (well, if my background check comes back clear... which is obviously questionable.) I have already started my shopping (because security deposits, application fees, pet fees, admin fees, etc. isn't making me go broke enough) so I'm not moving into a bare apartment.

Like I said, I haven't officially signed a lease yet but there's been a good amount of contact between the leasing office and myself, so I'm hopeful to get this show on the road.
I'm also hopeful this post doesn't completely and entirely jinx me getting my new apartment.

Here's the floor plan I toured and would be signing a lease for - 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, business in the front, party in the back.
Obviously I will share more photos once I've signed the lease and all of that serious adult stuff.

Side note: This will be my first ever lease signed all by myself. I feel so grown up.
Ew. But yay!



These are the pretty dishes I'm convincing myself to spring for. They're from Target and I just can't even stop admiring how pretty they are... even if they are slightly more expensive than I should be spending.
Who's coming over for a home cooked meal on these princess dishes?




Here's the silverware I ordered.
If I had already won the lottery I would have found these in rose gold because that would be perfection, but alas lottery winner I am not. Aside from $5-10 from scratch-off's here and there - ballin'.
Ready for the fun fact about this silverware? It's from Walmart.com.
Bingo!




Most exciting of all, my mom is pretty much the biggest saint on the planet and ordered me the robins egg blue pots and pants set by Paula Deen as an apartment warming gift.
Helllooooo, heaven and thank youuuu, mamacita!


And so far that's all I've got ordered. This weekend we're going shopping for more home goods and a sofa.
Furniture shopping is not one of my favorite things to do, if we're being completely honest here, so I'm really not looking forward to said trip.

Tomorrow I'm going to share some Pinterest finds of decor ideas I haven't purchased but am hoping to... which I will most likely spend the majority of my day at work doing today.
I'm in HDTV mode like a crazy person currently.
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