Friday, December 28, 2012

Over and out, 2012!

Annnnd it's the afternoon, I'm still in my PJ's, and I'm still rocking yesterday's make up.
Class. Act.

This holiday break shit is tough stuff. Last night I downed a bottle of wine with no remorse.
Turns out, when I know there will be no sound of an alarm the next morning I have no boundaries.
Or maybe that's always.

Anyways, I think today I'm supposed to write about New Years and resolutions and shit.
Except I don't make resolutions because usually resolutions mean you have to quit something and my mom always taught me to never be a quitter.
Allow me to show off this lovely inspirational graphic I found on Pinterest.
Source: imgfave.com via Mattie on Pinterest

See that? I think about wine easily every day.


Let's say, theoretically, I did actually make some resolutions, shall we?


I should probably drink less but if I did that I'd have little to no material for my blog (or life, in general).
I mean, I don't buy new clothes... so I can't be a fashion blogger. Also, I kind of suck at dressing myself most days. (see also: the title of this blog)
I don't have a kid... so I can't be one of those bloggers who writes about their kids eating solid food for the first time.
I eat Bagel Bites and Chickfila like I own stock in said companies... so I can't be a diet blogger. Also, I think you can't drink large quantities of booze when you're a diet blogger. Scratch this one off the list, hard.

Maybe I could be a dog blogger but only because I am amused at how fun it is to say "dog blog". Say THAT 5 times fast. Dog blog. Dog blog. Dog blog. Hee hee haa haa.
No? Never mind.
Let's stick with blogging booze wine enthusiast. 


I should probably lay off the junk food and maybe do some of that cardio stuff I see so many people Instagram photos of them doing... Except for I only like to Instagram photos of myself when I look like a rockstar and so that wouldn't really work for me.
Also, running on a treadmill is my actual definition of hell. So, there's that.


I should probably take some time to find myself some dignity and never make a drunken vlog again... but I lost my dignity so long ago I'm pretty sure it's gone forever.
That happens, just ask Lindsey Lohan.


I should probably stop judging and start doing more nice things for people... but I'm just an ass hole 99.9% of the time.
I blame Disney movies for this one.
Those evil Disney bitches were usually my favorite. Plus, Cruella had some pretty bad ass hair.



I should probably drink wine that comes from a classy glass bottle instead of a cardboard box... but then I'd be more broke than I already am. And also sans additional glasses of wine.
Boxes just go further. It's science.
And I probably should reconsider dumping half a box of wine into a Tervis and shoving a straw in it and calling it a party... but alas, dignity went out with my jean skirt.



And that pretty much sums it up for this girl.
I want to tell you that I'll post one more time before 2012 ends but who knows how smashed I'm going to be Sunday night - or if I'll decide to film a post Sunday Funday vlog again. (let's hope not)
Anywho, it's been a pretty shitty year and I've decided I'm going to make 2013 my bitch.

Over and out, 2012!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I killed that little bastard.

Well, well, well, look who finally showed up for school blog today.
I had every intention of blogging this week but then I just drank a lot.
Which you all got to witness first hand on Monday... Except it's Thursday now and I've yet to produce anything since. My bad.

My holidays were nothing really worth posting about.
I didn't get engaged (shocking, I know), I didn't receive any Apple products (thanks a lot, mom), and I believe I was called a smart ass at one point. 
Love those holidays.

I did, however get some pretty sweet TOMS that are Florida State colors. So, there's that.
Also, Ella wore some antlers.
Really I just need some photos in this post so here's what you get.


Yesterday I killed a bug all by myself. I didn't even scream or panic or run around like it was trying to steal my virtue. Ok, maybe I panicked a little bit, but that's beside the point.
I did it. I killed that little bastard all by myself and properly disposed it in the potty.
We had a little stare down, mono e mono, and that's when I saw in his little buggy eyes that if I didn't take him down he was going to eat me and the dogs in our sleep. 
I'm chalking that up as a #singlelife win and giving myself a big ass pat on the back.
Even if said bug was smaller than a dime. Not the point!

Really though, why the hell is blogging so hard this week?

I mean, I could sit here and tell you about how I watched Pitch Perfect for the first time ever and I cried a little bit. So I guess that means I actually have a heart inside of me somewhere. Go figure.

I should go now and maybe make a New Years resolution to write better.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Procrastination and smart ass is just in my DNA.

It's Christmas eve eve, so I've been told. It's also a Sunday and for that I'm not really sure what inspired me to hop on my laptop and start writing a post.
There's something about the fact that I don't have to work tomorrow, or any day next week, that makes me feel way more productive today.
Not to say I don't have plans to day drink in a little bit, because that is absolutely happening, but for now I'm here and I'm just rambling away. 


I'm a serious procrastinator. Always have been.
My mom once told me I couldn't go play with my friends until I "picked everything up off my bedroom floor".
First thing's first, don't ever tell a smart ass something like that. Even if the smart ass is, in fact, a child.
Second, I'm a procrastinator. Obviously a nap was going down before I began slaving.
And so, I napped and then proceeded to literally pick everything, my 6 year old self could lift, up off my floor. 
Clothes, toys, rocking horse, everything ended up on top of my bed.
Because that's the kind of smart ass I have always been. Though I don't really think at that point in time I was actually trying to be a smart ass. I'm pretty sure that was just the little shit I am was.
(word to the wise: don't Google images for "toys on top of bed")

Procrastination and smart ass is just in my DNA.

So, back to Christmas eve eve.
I've yet to buy my father anything. My mom's gift was finally purchased yesterday.
I still have no idea what I'm giving my father.

Last year on Christmas eve eve I did all of my Christmas shopping at a little store I like to call heaven, or Total Wine.
Mom got wine, father got rum, Whitney got vodka.
Bing bang boom.


This year I don't even have a plan of action.
Instead, this year I'm sitting here on my lap top writing out a Sunday post, which I never ever do, because I'm avoiding the glorious task of fighting the insanity that is present in every single store today.

Maybe I'll go take a nap.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Talk weavy to me.

Heyyyyy you guyssss, since we all made it another day I'm here today to talk serious business.
And by serious business, I mean WEAVE
It's no secret I love to rock locks of other people's hair on my head and I've even admitted that it's somewhat of a dude magnet. My secret weapon, if you will.
Well, when Best Hair Buy contacted me asking if I'd review some weave for them I heard the blogging angels singing from high above.
Finally, this damn blog paid off. Just kidding, I love this blog, we know this.

Here's the hair I'm talking about today, if you missed my post on Monday.
When I was browsing BestHairBuy.com I decided to get a little crazy and order the 22 inch clip-in human hair extensions, which are 4 inches longer than the previous weave I'm used to.
Once they arrived I was really excited because they were great quality and definitely the best type of human hair extensions! 

Moving on, let's talk about the additional products you'll need to achieve this look.
1. Obviously, you need to get you some weave. Again, mine came from Best Hair Buy.

2. Moroccan Oil. You don't have to use this exact brand but get you some lube hair oil. 

3. Hair spray. I'm a big lover of the Moroccan Oil hair spray, too.

4. Chardonnay. You already know.

5. Curling iron/wand. I'll explain this in the vlog.


Here is a vlog to give you the step-by-step instructions.
Except the Chardonnay turned on me and I forgot to say good bye at the end. I hope we can still be friends.



Let me know if you have any questions and don't forget to check out BestHairBuy.com for all of your weavy needs.

Like it? Love it?



Thursday, December 20, 2012

Keep on dancing until the world ends.

Friends.
I need an intervention.

I wore yoga pants to a bar last night.

No, I'm not kidding. I can only wish I was.
I took Shannon's #teamleggingsaspants campaign to a new level.
The good news is that the world is, apparently, ending for all of us tomorrow. So, I've decided I'm going out in style yoga pants. 
I know you can't actually see them in this but I'm posting because I just love my ladies.
I wonder if Instagram will want to sell this one?


In other news, what do we think about the world ending tomorrow?
I mean, I guess I'm a little pissed. I didn't even actually get to get married yet. Just having the ring doesn't count. 
There's a lot of stuff I haven't gotten to do yet. Damn you, Mayans. I need another couple of years.
I didn't really care for 2012 too much, I really need another year or 20.

At least I was around long enough to know what this means...

and this...

Lawd, I miss Pinky and Stinky.
JT, denim cowboy hat. Really?

I never got to meet this guy and so we never got to fall in love, so that's pretty upsetting.

I didn't even my reality show yet.

Or be besties with Miley.


At least I made it through my chubby (for me) years...

and the time I thought I was an actual rockstar with this hair...

I also realized that these boobs will never be believable unless I have surgery to make them that way.



Guys, just keep on dancing until the world ends. Ok?


*****


Also, this is the best end of the world post you'll read your whole life. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

We can make a deal.

Yesterday, what a day.
Everyone suddenly got really protective of their photos of food and their selfies.
Personally? Well, as long as my face doesn't end up on an ad for hemorrhoid cream I think I'll be ok.
Who knew Instagram was such serious stuff?
Except this ecard may actually be made after me.
90% of my Instagram photos are of my dogs.
The other 10% is pretty much just booze and stuff.

Valuable stuff right there. Dog Fancy, call me directly - we can make a deal.

Yeah, I think that one time I failed at trying to sell my old roommate's cat on Craigslist was more of a success than the Instagram sales people will have trying to sell the majority of the photos I've seen.
I'll share that story another day.


Moving on...
I can't stop listening to the following songs.
And by can't stop listening I mean on repeat nonstop. It's a glitch in my wiring, when I love a song I can't stop playing it.

If he would come sing this to me I'd really never stop listening to it.

Everything this song is makes me smile like a spoiled little kid on Christmas.

Always, just always, this one.



That's really all I've got today. I know, shitty post. Sorry guys.
Don't throw tomatoes at me, take photos of them and Instagram them to me. 
Byeee.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Support For Sandy Hook

Hi everyone. 
Today is the day so many bloggers are choosing to remain silent in support of those affected by the horrible tragedies that happened in Sandy Hook, Connecticut last Friday.
While I entirely respect and support my fellow bloggers, today I choose not to remain silent.

I can't cope with the gut wrenching photos I've witnessed since Friday by remaining silent.
Everyone copes different.
For me, I have to talk about it. I have to put my feelings out there. It's just how I personally cope with tragedy and pain. I have saved this post for today because although I may not be participating in the silence, I can't not participate in this action of supporting these victims.

These families all need us regardless of how we choose to support them. 


My heart hasn't been the same since reports began flooding in last Friday. It's been heavy and sluggish. I can't get the vision of these sweet babies with so much fear and terror in their eyes right before they took their last little breaths.
I mean, those babies could have been the next adults to change the world. To make better of their community. Now? Now they never get to hug their moms and dads anymore. They never get to take another spelling test or witness their first proms and homecomings. They had so much life left to live.
They're just gone.

Personally, I'm not a mother and as I know I'm not capable of understanding exactly how the parents of these sweet angels could possibly be feeling right now, I do know that my heart remains broken for them.

Why do humans have to be so evil? Monsters.
How could anyone do such a horrible, disgusting thing?


Today I'm not silent. Today I'm sending a letter to Sandy Hook Elementary school.
Today I'm saluting these tiny angels and these heroes that were taken from us so soon.
I never knew them but I'm forever affected by this tragedy.
May they all rest in love and peace.


If you are interested in sending letters, here is the address I have found:
Sandy Hook Elementary School
12 Dickenson Drive
Sandy Hook, CT 06482


Here is a PO Box address for sending letters to the community, as well:
P.O. Box 3700
Newtown, CT 06470


Also, if you are planning to order any Scentsy in the near future here is a link for a Newtown Fundraiser. 

Monday, December 17, 2012

Adventures of Hangover Girl

Hey friends, it's me, Hangover Girl, subbing in for your home slice Whitney today.
I'm your resident unwelcome hot mess who appears to have been run over by a bus. 
Mascara on areas of your face (and arms?) mascara should never be, headache the size of Texas, bags under your eyes so big you could fit an elephant in them. 
That's what she gets though. That Whitney thought she was 21 again this weekend. Joke's on her!
4 day benders aren't meant for 25 year olds who aren't getting paid by MTV to be a waste case.

Personally? Well, I love when Whitney thinks she's 21 again because that's when I know my time to shine is coming soon.
I'm shining bright like the Rockefeller Christmas tree today and it's good to be back.
You want to hear something really funny? I even made Whitney late to work this morning.


I keep hearing her talk about how it's all her new weave's fault that we've been hanging out so often these passed few days.
Long hair just makes a girl want to party, she says.

Good news though, Amanda enjoyed her grad gift.
Amanda's been hanging out with Hangover Hannah, my bestie, these passed few days too.

Saturday morning I was in full force.
I made Whitney completely useless until she absolutely had to get ready for the party
Then that ho started drinking and she ditched me.


Even yesterday she ditched me.
Instantly started with the mimosa talk. I knew I had some serious revenge to plot.
Mimosas and Bagel Bites. Such a classy broad.

The good news is that because she ditched me for Waste Case Wally yesterday, I'm in full force today and she looks like a wreck.

Toodles bishes, I've got to go make sure Whit's not doing anything productive.

Friday, December 14, 2012

My name is Whitney and I'm a lush blogger.

So, it has been brought to my attention that some bloggers think that some bloggers (me) are only (homahgah) popular because they are drunks.
I mean, I guess at one point I was all nahhhh, not me, I haz no poopular but then I woke up this morning feeling like I was flirting with death and so maybe there could be some truth behind that one.

Last night I agreed to go to Kobe, one of those Japanese steak houses where they cook on your table, with some of my friends. Surprised I have some of those in real life? Yeah, me too. Me too.

I put on some hooker red lips and Instagrammed them, so Raven could judge me openly, and then I went on my merry way to stuff my face with as much noodles and steak drenched in a questionable white sauce that I could.
And by noodles and steak, I really mean multiple saki bombs and one scorpion drink I swear I can still taste this morning.

We were pretty ecstatic about said scorpion drink. I mean really, look how excited we were...
It even had a flame in the middle. 
Which, come to find out, was actually a shot of 151 set on fire.
Yes, we drank it.
All.
And I have the headache this morning to prove it.


Why I thought all of this was a good idea on a Thursday night is really beyond me.
All I know is that the onion volcano is a real class act.
When they set that stack of onions on fire I lose my shit.
Like a kid at Disney meeting Mickey for the first time.
Magical.


This post is hardly worth posting, as it really isn't going anywhere, but I really wanted to show off that onion volcano.
And talk about how I look feel like I got hit by a bus this morning.
And how I don't care that Justin Bieber tickets go on sale in 30 minutes.
Also that I devoured a 3 count Chick-n-minis this morning and they rocked every inch of my world.

Oh, and heart shaped rice is pretty spectacular.


Maybe I am just a drunk lush blogger after all.
Screw "lifestyle"... Lush it is.

I don't get drunk, I get fabulous. Wait... that was supposed to go up top wasn't it?

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Once my reality show takes off.

Anyone else want to sit here and admit that they frequent channels such as Bravo and thoroughly enjoy mind numbing shows?
I'm talking about Real Housewives here, if we're getting specific.
It's ok, you can judge me. I judge me too.

I got home from work yesterday and had so much work to do. Naturally, I poured myself a generous glass of wine and did absolutely none of the work I needed to get done.
Flipping through the channels, I land on my beloved Real Housewives.
Beverly Hills, if we're being particular.

All of these women start each show with some type of brilliant saying that describes their lives.

One of my personal favorites, Camille, who is famously known for being dropped by Fraiser superstar Kelsey Grammar, probably has my favorite opening line of all time.
Or maybe just right now as I'm strolling through the #singlelife?
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend - freedom is." -- Camille Grammar

Keep on keeping on, Camille. Preach to us single dog women.


Then we have my favorite hot mess, Kim Richards. Or recovering hot mess, I guess is what she is now.
"Life is a journey, and I'm finding myself every day." -- Kim Richards

Well, I prefer the unfound version of Kimmy better and I'm sure she's still in there. 
Homegirl is a fry short of a happy meal. 


The other women have some dumb and boring opening lines that don't really interest me too much, or maybe I just don't love them as much as I love the two previously mentioned messes.

So then I start to think about what my opening line will would be once my reality show takes off (if you're new here, my life mission is to be a reality hot mess, k?)... I think I will go with,

"I don't get drunk, I get fabulous!" -- Me

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Twelve Pains of Christmas

If you haven't read any other blog yet today, let me be the first to tell you that today is 12-12-12.
If you have read another blog today, sorry you just had to read that for the billionth time.

In honor of the number 12, today I am going to make a list. Who doesn't like lists?


Today, I present to you my 12 pains of Christmas.


Twelve Christmas list blog posts a day.
I just want world peace wine.

Eleven family fights.
I'll be in the back corner stuffing my face. And drinking heavily.

Ten pounds gained.
From avoiding the family fights. And excess boozing.


Nine Christmas show specials.
If they were all like Blake Shelton's I probably wouldn't mind.

Eight proposal and/or wedding updates.
Really though, I just want more wine.

Seven hangovers a week. 
Just trucking through the season, guys.

Six new outfits for holiday parties.
Because nothing in my closet will suffice.

Five cars with reindeer antlers and red noses in the parking lot at work.
I loathe. Just loathe.


Four times a day I have to sweet up pine needles.
Remind me why I decided I needed a real tree this year?

Three gifts to purchase.
Mom, dad, Whitney. #singlelife

Two gulps of egg nog to make me vomit.
I really hate this shit. It's like alcoholic pancake batter made for drinking.

and I really don't understand this Elf on the Shelf nonsense.
Why is everyone purposely making messes in their houses and blaming it on this doll?
Except this guy... he's a pimp.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Oh, 3am. How convenient.

I was in a deep, deep slumber when I woke up completely disoriented.
Why am I at my parents' house? Why is there so much light coming through the window?
I look at my phone, "SHIT! It's 11:14 in the afternoon. I'm SO late for work.".
I had 6 missed calls from my boss and I couldn't get my phone to call him back.

I struggle to get ready for work, feeling so sluggish.
Finally, I arrive to work and I am so late. My boss is seriously pissed off.
To make matters worse, I feel practically paralyzed. For some reason I can't seem to perform any of my normal work tasks correctly.
WHAT is going on?


Oh, it was just a dream. Now I'm actually awake.
What time is it?
Oh, 3am. How convenient.

I feel a kick to my left, Ella is sleeping like a real, human baby. 
Lucky little bitch. 


I guess I'll go get some water, maybe turn on the tv.
Looky here, MTV does play music videos still. It just happens to be when only the sleep impaired are around to view them.
Good thing I'm the farthest from interested in dropping it like it's hot at 3am.
To Disney Channel I go.


I wonder if The Daily Tay Tay has found any good job leads yet?
I really feel bad about her job sitch. I hope she finds a new, better one soon. 
Also, she's right. Who in the hell are these kids on Instagram with thousands of "likes"?
Why can I be an Instaceleb?


Don't forget to bring that client check to the bank tomorrow.
And those discs you should have mailed out yesterday.
Should I pay rent already? No, that's dumb. I still have like 20 days.
Where is my cable bill?
What am I going to wear this weekend to Amanda's graduation party?
I can't wait to wear my new weave.


Jake Owen is drunk tweeting. This is awesome.
He just said "Shammbooozled"... Damn, I want to party with Jake.
My Brookie is such a lucky ho.

Melatonin sucks. Why am I awake 5 hours after I took that shit?
Really though, why am I wide awake right now?

What am I going to write about tomorrow?
I could use this topic but I think I need more time to let it marinate.
Or maybe this... nah, it's too soon for that one.
I'm going to be too delirious to make much sense of anything tomorrow.

Mmmm... coffee is going to be so good tomorrow.


This day is brought to you by a lot of coffee and hooker red nails.