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Things I Wont Say Goodbye To At 27

A couple of days ago I wrote a post that was all, “I’m almost 27 and I don’t have any of my shit together and I feel like maybe I never will”. Soon after I was sent a link to this article on Thought Catalog that was seemingly written by someone who would, without a doubt, loathe everything about me. Which is fine because after reading the post I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t care too much for her either. The post is titled “27 Things You Must Say Goodbye To At 27″, which obviously strikes a nerve because hello I’m about to turn 27. And also I don’t plan on saying goodbye to about 90% of the things this chick is trying to convince me to.

So now I’m going to dissect the post at hand because that’s what I feel like doing today.

Number 1 on the list says I’m supposed to stop eating bagels because they’re going to make my face fat. Yes, you read that correctly. Face fat. From digesting a bagel. To that I say life’s short, eat the damn bagel. I don’t care if I’m 27 or 57, bagels are delicious and also I’m pretty sure as long as you’re not eating like 2 every single day your face will go unharmed.

The next one on the list exclaims that “aint nobody got time for your birth week”, and really this one just makes me feel sad for her because I think maybe her friends kind of suck. I’d be happy to lend her a friend or two for her birth week and see if her tone changes because my friends and I, well, we love a good reason to celebrate. Especially birth weeks.

Number three on the list says that I have to kiss taking “just because” vacations goodbye because now all of my traveling will be for weddings. I think maybe my friends and I are all behind this girl and her friend group because I don’t even have one engaged friend. Actually, I’ll probably understand this one eventually. You know, once one of us figures out how to hold on to a relationship long enough to get engaged… and then not call it off. Not that I would know anything about that. Neither would about 4 or 5 of my best friends.

Four says I have to stop ignoring babies and I’m simply uninterested in this one.

Number five says I have to stop dancing at the bar until the lights come on and then not expect to be in bed until 3pm the next day recovering. I’ll give her this one. Except if I’m in bed until 3pm the next day recovering, I bet I had a damn good night. -insert hands in the air emoji here-

Six, seven, and eight say that I’m no longer allowed to shop at Forever 21, H&M, or Urban Outfitters. And while my bank account agrees with the Urban Outfitters one, it boldly disagrees with the first two. I get sick of clothes faster than I get sick of eating the same thing for a week straight, therefor spending $100+ on a sweater is just plain dumb. Also she tells me to go to Ann Taylor and to that I send a very large Grumpy Cat “NO” meme.

According to number nine on the list “hair accessories are for newborn babies”. I’d like to see a picture of this chick in her daily attire. That’s all I’m going to say about this one.

Number thirteen she says some nonsense about how you have to say goodbye to going to midnight showings of movies because they’re for tweens. Something tells me this person has never brought wine juice boxes to a movie before. Don’t knock it till you try it, homeslice.

One of my most favorite ones on the entire list is number fourteen, which insists you must get “VERY” serious about your career. And I’m sure this chick is really great at what she does and I commend her for knowing exactly what she wants to do with her life at the ripe age of 27, but after my post the other day I’m just going to go ahead and say that the majority of us don’t. Also, my mom is clearly older than 27 and has just finished going to school for event planning and has started her own company. This one really made me want to kick the writer in the shins a bit.

Fifteen says you have to have a hobby that isn’t day drinking. I guess she’s not much of a crafter because, hi, glittering a champagne bottle totally involves day drinking.

Sixteen makes me want to punch the bitch (yes, I finally went there once I read this one) right in the face because it’s just plain insensitive and rude. She says, and I quote, “Old ratty bathing suits. Take that off. You look poor.”. I’m not even elaborating on this one at the risk of my head actually flying off my body, so I’m just going to say in response – you look ignorant as fuck, chick who wrote this.

Seventeen suggests that if you still listen to boy bands when you’re 27+ you look like a pedophile. Someone get me an unmarked white van and a bag full of candy because I’ll forever bask in dance parties accompanied by boy band music. Also, I was under the impression that the majority of our generation appreciates boy bands.

Twenty boldly states that you’re not allowed to watch MTV anymore. I wonder what she’d have to say about my watching, and thoroughly enjoying, Disney Channel still.

In number twenty-three she rules out themed parties. God, this chick is quite possibly the world’s biggest buzz kill. Also, my parents still get invited to themed parties. Suck it, buzz kill.

Obviously I don’t have any wedding pictures or kids or anything really worth over-sharing, but if I had any of those things it’s likely I would toss some photos in an album on Facebook for family/friends to keep updated on. But according to the writer of this article, you’re not allowed to make Facebook albums anymore. Really though, does she not stalk other peoples’ weddings? Because I’m like a kid on Christmas when someone I graduated with uploads their entire wedding album to Facebook.

Last on the list is that you’re supposed to work out every day. Every day seems a little extreme. I’ll stick with a few times a week. And by “a week” I really mean “a month”. Whatever.

Mostly I just feel like I live in a different world than the writer of this article. Or maybe I’m just not ready to be the grown up she wants me to be. She probably wouldn’t even enjoy backing her azz up.

Speaking of, this week I’m backing mine up to Chris Brown which totally makes me conflicted because I want to hate him so much but this song is so catchy that I can’t just count it out. Damn you and your catchy songs, you super douche.

It’s Back That Azz Up Friday!

The purpose: To start our weekend with some fantastic jams.
The station that inspired it: “Back That Azz Up” on Pandora Radio.
The rules: Link your jams up and have a jam sesh with all of us!

Click here for a tutorial on how to embed a song in your post.

Happy Friday!
Grab a button, pick your jam, link up and let’s get this weekend started off on the right foot!