If you're a blogger who is anything like me, you had no idea what blogging really was when you hit that "create new blog" button. I'm not talking about the writing and the posting and the coming up with new shit - obviously being the star LiveJournal-er that I was, I was well versed in the general concept of blogging. Or at least I thought I was.
Fast forward to now and there's just so many things no one told me I would be involved in, or care about, once I started this yoga pants blog thing. And so, today let's just go ahead and discuss some of these things no one ever told me I was going to give a damn about today. You know, the things that should be in the blog start-up booklet they hand out at blog orientation. Or something.
1. You're capable of being speechless. This one is shocking because for as long as I can remember I've always been the chick who couldn't shut up. When I was in grade school my progress reports would always say things like "great learner. enjoys socializing a bit too much.". Leave it to blogging to stomp those comments right into the ground because there are many days I show up here to write and have absolutely nothing to say.
2. You'll have to learn to be consistent. Or at least somewhat consistent. Because, for one, it's kind of assholey to just assume people are going to be waiting for you to post all day. And second, it gives you some sort of "goal" to aim for. Or at least it does for people like me who don't really set too many goals because goals mean I have to get off my ass and somewhat do some work.
3. Blogging is a business. I would have never in ten thousand years believed this, had someone mentioned it to me 10 years ago when I was sobbing over my super tough life as a 16 year old, living in the suburbs of Orlando, on LiveJournal. Fast forward to today and I still can't believe what this blog has become. Bonus points, it's a business you don't have to wear pants to run. Also a business you put eleventy bagillion hours into that you don't get paid for sometimes.
4. People will call your ass out. And sometimes you fuck up and they're right and then sometimes they're just dicks. Either way you just kind of have to take the shit with the good and keep on keeping on. Or you can just force feed all of your posts to your mom and let her tell you how amazing you are, but usually that just ends up giving you a mislead sense of confidence and then your writing will suck and no one will like it. Except for your mom.
5. You're (apparently) supposed to know about things like SEO. I'm still not even confident I know what that stuff means but apparently it's the stuff that makes people find your blog, or something. I've probably put a solid thirty minutes into trying to figure it out over the last 2 years, or so, but after a few glasses of wine it makes even less sense. So then I just go back to the humor section on Pinterest and find dog memes. Because dog memes always make sense.
6. You'll get free stuff. And you can choose to go about it two different ways. The Scott Disick route and be the doucher who brags about your cool free shit all over the place, or you can be The Oprah (had to Google the correct spelling of her name... I lose at life) who just wants errrrybody to get one for free, too, because you're Oprah and you have everything you ever wanted.
Pretty sure that was the worst analogy in the history of analogies ever.
7. You're going to forget who you are. That's not even a joke right there because there are days when I wake up and I'm just all "who am I? what am I doing? am I David at the dentist right now?". And then I typically do the absolute worst thing I can possibly do, which is go and read a bunch of blogs that further confuse me and make me forget who I am even more. Thus inevitably causing me to write some weird, out of character, post that ends up contradicting the majority of my other posts. Annnnd insert number four here. Doh!
8. There's a lot of blogging "rules". Most of which don't usually make sense unless you've read the books and done all of the research. I've never really been one to follow the rules and blogging hasn't really been an exception to that. Sure, I've tried to put some of the more important rules into place here but usually they end up failing after a few days. Like scheduling posts, backing up things that aren't my azz, and that SEO thing I was talking about earlier, for instance.
9. You'll come across people who pretend to like you. And at first it's like "man, everyone in this place is so nice. no one ever has anything bad to say and they all love everything you do.". And then you remember high school and how all of those friendships worked back then and you realize that you're not really cool at all. Your numbers are your outfit and back in high school if you had a nice outfit people were nice to you (at least that's how things worked at my high school). Well, they were nice to your face... same shit with blogging.
10. You'll come across people who really do like you. And you'll like them too. They'll enjoy the twisted shit you do and laugh at the same dog memes you do. And then you'll become friends and ponies and all of that ends up being really asstasstic.
Honorable mentions include, but aren't limited to: You'll be judged for everything, You'll start to care about stupid shit like Instagram "likes", Passive-aggressive is a second blogging language, Opinions are like assholes, Your inbox will spiral out of control if you don't pay attention to it, Comments are like a small child: they need lots of TLC, It's an emotional rollercoaster - every.single.day.