Thursday, November 8, 2012

A post inspired by a hangnail.

This morning I had a fight with a hangnail.
25 years on this small planet and I've yet to learn that battling a hangnail is one of those fights I will never win. 
So I got to thinking, what else have I refused to learn in 25 years?

Yes, this is a post inspired by a hangnail.
(complete with GIFs because who doesn't love a good GIF?)

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that pulling a hangnail is always a painful, horrible idea.

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that even though that last glass of wine sitting in the bottle at 10:30 at night looks lonely and is calling my name, it should probably just stay there. That small, little glass always hurts the next day (today).


25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that when the empty gas tank light comes on I should probably stop for gas. Waiting until the gauge reads  "--- until empty" always a bad idea.

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that it's not the clothes that shrunk, it's me that probably shouldn't have woofed down that chicken sandwich and waffle fries for lunch yesterday. Or the bagel for breakfast.

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that cussing at inanimate objects won't do me any good. Case in point, screaming expletives at my bed after walking into the corner of it will never make me learn that the corner is always there. I will always look dumb doing this and it will always be painful. 

Dear Furniture,

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that the fresh cup of coffee or bowl of soup is almost always too hot to take down immediately. Chill your grill and wait it out, homeslice. Sincerely, Tongue.

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that spray tans will always make my hands and feet appear to be diseased.

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that romantic movies aren't real life. I'll always ugly cry during them and I'll always think it's real.
Like Santa. 


25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that leaving laundry in the dryer doesn't mean it's finished. It will always be there until I run out of undies and bathing suit bottoms. Or put it away but lezbihonest, that aint happening.

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that in baking there's no "eyeing it". Baking is like a science project - shit needs to be on point. This is probably why I've always sucked at science.
And baking.

25 years on this planet and I still haven't learned that dancing after a few vodka bevies is never a good idea. Ever. Especially the move with the arms in the air. No Whitney, just no. Put those arms down and take a seat.



25 years on this planet and I'm still convinced I'm going to be a reality star with fun GIFs.

38 comments:

  1. Life's truths + animated GIFs = ugh maze ing Thursday morning.

    LOVE THIS!

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  2. I kinda wanna yell FIRST.

    27 away meep. The we can finish eleventy billion bottles and bake (eyeing it, of course)

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  3. I might just sit here on this post all day and watch that last GIF over and over again... it's freakin' hysterical!

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  4. hangnail life-changer -- buy yourself one of those cuticle cutter things they use at nail salons. I have one at my vanity table and one in my purse, no lie. I NEVER use it to actually cut my cutes, but it is an absolute game changer with hangnails.

    and truly - there are few things more gratifying than completely OWNING a hangnail after years of battle. I might get REALLY excited when it happens. (more gratifying - vanquishing ingrowns.. gross, but true)

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  5. LOVE your GIFs. That's my go to site too. And ps, I'm 27 and still haven't learned half that shizzz. I may or may not be guilty of the laundry thing...so much so that my hubby yells at me at least once a week when he tries to do laundry. "How many friggin' days have these clothes been in the dryer." Pft, men. There's a laundry fairy, duh.

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  6. That little bit of wine always hurts... Always, but at the time it's fan-fricken-tastic! OH, I yell at my bed, desk, coffee table etc. as well, regardless it makes me feel better haha! :)

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  7. omg - stop it. this literally brightened my morning.

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  8. Can I just say that if we had our own reality show, like all of us fun blogging girls, we would always be like, did you see that gif that made of us?

    I love these lessons. Wine always hurts. Hangnails should get a life. And the dancing with the arms up gets me every.single.weekend.

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  9. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. hahahahahahahahaha Love the animated GIFs ;)

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  10. girl...i totally feel ya on the hangnail thing. both of my thumbs look like i've shoved them in the garbage disposal because not only do i always pull them but then i keep messing with them until all of the skin around my nail is bloody and burning. seriously, who is going to invent a cure for hangnails?! there should be some kind of special cream that you put on the start of the hangnail and *poof* all is fine in the world. love the GIFs and love your blog!

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  12. You and I will be reality stars together mmmk? I'm thinking something along the lines of RHONJ meets GCB in some sort of wine-drinking, Pinning combo. #win

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  13. Well I'm 23 and had no idea wtf a GIF was until I read this post. I mean I've seen them -obvi- but had no idea what they were called. So thanks for that ;) I also haven't learned that saying the word 'obvi' is likely annoying... But what can I say, I just like to channel my inner snooki. Sigh.

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  14. I've got you by a year and haven't learned most of these lessons yet either, haha. My grandma can 'eye it' in baking and make it perfect every time. Not fair. Oh, and cussing at objects DOES Make you feel better... :)

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  15. This is amazing! I just have one leeetle disagreement, you+vodka+dancing MAKES MY LIFE. Don't stop that, ever! k? Thanks!

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  16. I look forward to you snarky sass every day. This was hysterical. I hope you become a reality star so that I can use your GIFS! THanks for lesson plan outline- 25 years in and I need to learn all these lessons too :) Hope you're having a great day!

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  17. HAHAHA OMG I cuss at inatimate objects all the time. That chair obviously moved as I was walking by, just so I would jam my to into it. If you become a reality star I will be watching that show!

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  18. lol, I don't think you're alone on this. And I'm at 29....so it doesnt get better :)

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  19. perfect post, gifs and all. Love it and I am 25 years on this planet and yes I still chew on my hangnail like it's going to solve anything as I am writing this post.

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  20. I am dyyyying. This is so me (especially the clothes shrinking and taking down too hot foods/drinks) my tongue is constantly raw because I gulp my coffee the second I make it. OUCH!

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  21. HAHA you totally crack me up. This post freaking rocks (: I am in the same boat with more of those than I care to admit haha!

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  22. Totally funny and true! I'm all for a reality TV show! I mean do they even realize how fun a blogger reality show would be? FUN and totally entertaining. I refuse to believe that my clothes haven't shrunk.. I mean it's totally plausible so someone to sneak in my closet and alter them to be smaller. Am I right? Totes stealing this idea.. obvs.

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  23. This is hysterical, I LOVE this post!

    xx
    Kelly
    Sparkles and Shoes

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  24. Bahaha...the arms up in the air or the fist pump? My signature Vodka move. And we all know the last drink is NEVER a good idea, although it ALWAYS seems like it the night before.
    I'm also 27 years of age and managed to hit a hangnail so deeply into the wall the other day that there was neither any pulling nor hanging shit.
    Awesome post.

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  25. You are hilarious!!!! I am completely the same way after 25 years, esepcially with the wine and hangnails!!

    -Nicole @ grubnmarriage.blogspot.com

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  26. That last glass of wine ALWAYS looks like a good idea. I mean, why leave one glass left over?

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  27. First, let me just say your comments made my day! Secondly, I must say I smell a blossoming blogger bestie relationship! Bc I'm pretttty sure when my college advisor asked me what I wanted to do with my life I said be on reality tv

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  28. HAHAHA MY GOD! I thought you nailed it at the Ramona pic, but then you do with the Taylor pic. These ladies ...my oh my...I bet they have a MUCH longer list of what they haven't learned hahaha love this!

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  29. Bahaha... I definitely still not learned many of the same things!! Too funny!! I have played gas roulette and lost with the car before... and still I like to wait for the light too come on!

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  30. This is too funny! I'm a huge fan of the vodka dance.

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  31. i never take my clothes out of the drier when they're done... they're just gonna go back in there eventually, right?

    And I cry at romantic movies too... and sometimes commericals... have you seen the subaru one with the lab puppy that grows up?! Adorable.

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  32. As if I weren't already in love with you I am now further convinced that you & I would be IRL BFFs.

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  33. You will have a GIF one day and a Tumblr as well....dedicated to you.
    Just don't forget us little people ;)

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  34. Hahaha oh I love this :) I may have to steal this idea....

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  35. while I agree with all of these, and laughed out loud, hang nails and I are fighting a battle that I cannot win...I don't get it!

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