Thursday, February 7, 2013

A Valentine's Day Horror Story.

Hey guys, I am still battling the plague - also known as the flu - and it's throughly kicking my ass. My goal is to actually write here tomorrow but for now I am going to leave you with a guest post from a new blogger I've found who is constantly making me laugh. Soooo, while I continue to lay here like a drugged out zombie, here's Staci!

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Hi everyone! I'm Staci & you can usually find me rambling over at High Cotton Blog.

I'm taking over Whitney's blog today because....I don't really know why she agreed to this. It could've been the constant flattery. Or my high-level stalking skills. Seriously, show up on her front porch if you want to post on her blog. She loves it (please don't do this. Or if you do Whitney please don't sue me all I have is a puppy.) No, but really it's because she is awesome & I'm sure you know that since you're on her blog but I don't care I'll say it anyway.

Let's talk about February. The month of loooove. And groundhogs. And chocolate. If you are expecting some cheesy Valentine's Day post, sorry. I'm not your girl. Even though I'm engaged, I have no interest to engage you (see what I did there? Ha!) in some post all about looooove & feelings. Gross.

Know what people never talk about? Their worst Valentine's Day experience ever. Lucky for you, I know there's nothing you'd rather read about than a good, painful story. My pain=your gain.

I present to you: A Mexican Restaurant & Victoria's Secret: A Valentine's Day Horror Story.

We are going back, my friends. Back 7 years (good God I'm old) to 2006. A time when seniors in high school wore this & thought they totally looked like Kristen from Laguna Beach & not a prostitute. Good times.
So sexy

In typical ridiculous high school fashion, I was dating the qUaRtErBaCk & writing his name like that. In typical quarterback fashion, he was a huge asshead. To say I didn't expect anything for Valentine's Day would be a huge understatement.

At school on the big day, I listened to all my friends talk about their flowers and their Build-a-Bears and their awesome new Dooney & Bourke bags modeled by that newcomer Lindsay Lohan. I tried not to get too upset. Valentine's Day is stupid anyway.
I really wanted this bag.

But then- miracle of all miracles- quarterback announces he is taking me out to dinner! A romantic Valentine's Day dinner! I love Valentine's Day! He is a changed man!

He picks me up that night & we drive tooooo....a grocery store parking lot! No, he's not buying groceries to make a fancy meal, he's meeting up with his dad. Ohhhh...he's getting something from his dad! Something small. Jewelry? A gift certificate to Abercrombie? How exciting.

Our next stop- El Publito! The only Mexican restaurant in our teeny tiny town besides Taco Bell. And it had really gone downhill after the owner,Carlos, had been deported back to Mexico (I am not making any of that up). As we pass the Cinco De Mayo decorations still hanging around from last year and sit down at a table giving him a good view of ESPN, I realize this is my big Valentine’s Day treat. As much chips & salsa as a girl could want. And remember I'm 17. Can't drink yet. No tequila shots to ease this pain.



It's the thought that counts blah blah blah, so I start to place my order- a chicken quesadilla with cheese sauce on top. It probably cost $6.

"Oh wait..." quarterback says, "I met Dad for a coupon. You have to order off this section of the menu, though. No quesadillas listed there."

I ate my burrito, he paid with his coupon, & I cried as soon as I got home.

Flash forward to the next year. Yes, I'm still dating him. No, I don't know what was wrong with me. I know things are going to be better. It's the weekend before Valentine's Day & he's going shopping. He has learned his lesson! I get a call while I'm sitting in my dorm room:

"Uh hey Staci."
"Oh hi! How's shopping going?"
"Yea..listen. I'm in Victoria's Secret."
---Zach Morris style pause right here. The Victoria's Secret he is standing in is the only Victoria's Secret within about 50 miles of the small towns that litter interstate 75 between North GA & South TN. It's a guarantee that the weekend before Valentine's Day it is completely packed with teenagers giggling at lingerie, men desperately trying to find something for their wives, little boys getting led around by the hand, the whole shebang. I could hear all the noise of toddlers & teenagers in the background.---
"I'm in Victoria's Secret & I am going to get you some of these PINK sweatpants, okay?"
"Sweatpants...oh. Okay then."
"Well what kind do you want? Let's see, shit sorry kid, I just knocked over a kid haha. Ok there's this green pair. They uhhhh they say LOVE on the leg. There's this blue pair. They've got an f-ing anchor or something on them I don't know. Oh, here's a purple pair. They've got some f-ing shit on the ass...like a star or something?"

This was my Valentine's Day present. A pair of $30 sweatpants. With some f-ing shit on the ass. That I had to pick out over the phone.



Is there a graceful way to end this post? I really think f-ing shit on the ass tells you all you need to know.

No matter what happens to you this Valentine's Day. Whether you get married or engaged or dumped or cheated on. If there's one thing I wish I could go back & tell myself...one thing I can share with you, it's this: you are worth the full $6 for the quesadilla. No.Coupon.Necessary. And you should just ask for the tequila. Everyone feels sorry for you anyway.

For more deep insights like this, you can visit me anytime. Thanks to mah frand Whitney for letting me post on your blog...even especially after I finished an email with "Zig-a-zig-ahhh."

___

Seriously, love this girl. Go check her out and show her some love!
For now, I'm off to try and sleep this plague off for the 3rd day in a row.

46 comments:

  1. The amount I love staci is very much. and love that she stayed with him through all of this biznas. mexican food and sweatpants. those kinda go hand in hand- right?

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  2. Hahaha I love me some Staci. One time I got dumped on Valentine's Day so there is that..

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  3. This just made my life 1000000000x better. Staceface, I'm so happy you've now graduated from a shit on the ass of sweatpants quarterback to a fridge soup spiller and I wish you the happ-happ-happiest of Valentine's Days, filled with Taco Bell {$2 burritos likely more delicious than El Publito, I think Tay can handle that} and jeans instead of sweatpants :)

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  4. Why does Valentine's Day bring out the worst in some people, like I'm already going to fuck this day up so why not do it in grand style? Seriously!?

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  5. Ummmm. The coupon thing would have probably sent me over the edge... LOL.

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  6. I think we had the same outfit from Laguna Beach, and that purse was seriously on my Christmas list until I graduated. The important thing here is -- did you ever get the sweatpants?

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  7. I will have to go check her out! I hope you feel better soon!!! xoxo

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  8. I was more of a running back chaser myself. He once got me a pair of green and white striped tear away pants like the Celtics wore during warm-ups...? Don't worry I was confused too..

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  9. This story made me almost-spit-out-my-food-laugh, but your coupon burrito is probably still more than I'll get this Valentine's day from my boyfriend of a year.

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  10. The jean skirt is fabulous, and brings back memories of my own jean skirts. I love Staci too - so thank you for letting her guest post, and please get better soon...the flu is for the birds!

    Oh valentine's day - I think I am going to steal my mom from her awful husband and take her out on a hot date!

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  11. God loved ya Staci!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  12. The coupon part was the best part, but then I got to how he was describing the pants for you to pick and...then I lost it haha. I hope you dumped him and not the other way around.

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  13. Awesome story...I'm heading to her blog now. Feel better soon!

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  14. OMG I just peed myself. So funny! I am your newest follower!

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  15. Staci is one of my favorite bloggers. Girl knows how to make me laugh, every.damn.day. Love it.
    Staci, this boyfriend is awful - I'm glad you're not still with him. Hopefully Taylor knows better than to buy you a burrito with a coupon or a pair of pants with f-ing shit on the ass ;)

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  16. I had a quarterback in high school and he cheated his second semester of college - he probably got bored because the only thing they had in that town was literally a taco bell and a mexican restaurant. Oh love. Enjoyed your post -- I like it when people are real on here.

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  17. What a great story! I think we all can relate to a not-so-nice-high-school-boyfriend story :)

    Sheree
    thehartungs.blogspot.ca

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  18. Just reminded me how happy I am that I'm over those awkward high school dating years LOL!

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  19. This is hilarious! Brings back some good memories! I love it! :)

    Jill
    Classy with a Kick

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  20. That bag.. oh how I drooled over it..

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  21. Oh my gosh Staci, this is prime. I MEAN there are no words. I think this should be entered in a sort of competition. There hast o be one somewhere.

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  22. Oh my gosh...too hilarious! Boys can be so stupid sometimes! I hope your Valentine's Days have gotten better since then =)

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  23. OH my gosh...that was a great story!

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  24. Wow. Wow. Teenage dudes just generate some of the best material imaginable. Hahahah, sorry you had to live through that, but thank you for sharing it and making my day.

    www.jbound.com

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  25. Oh my gosh. Somehow, I'm surprised this hasnt happened to me. But let me tell you, horrible high school dating stories- I got some doozies. In the boys defenses, I wore more makeup than a drag queen prostitute at the time!

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  26. Staci, I don't see what your problem was with a boy just trying to be thrifty? Seriously though...You deserve the best damn quesadilla that little town has to offer and I hope that your man takes you somewhere nice this year. You know, On the Border or Don Pablo's :)

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  27. Oh. my. goodness. gracious. that was awful!! I thought the awkward first date on Valentine's Day at Olive Garden was bad... there is no way this could compete!!

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  28. OH MY LORD! I need to know how this relationship ended..or is doing!

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  29. Whit - It sucks that you're sick, feel better hun. There is a silver lining to this though, you've introduced me to Staci and I've been laughing for a solid half hour while reading her blog!!

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  30. hahaha well this made my whole day. But I'm sorry you're sick :(

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  31. Ahahahaha! I am so glad I saw this today! Staci has gained a new follower :) I think we've all dated some asshat qUaRtErBaCk like douche at some point lol You live and learn. Thanks for the laugh!

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  32. I think I just cried a little bit from laughing so hard. Seriously love this guest post!!

    Hope you feel better soon Whitney!!

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  33. So funny and ridiculous! :)

    www.elle-pea.blogspot.com

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  34. HAHAHA I love my Victoria Secret Sweatpants!

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  35. wow - i am totally in love with your blog! it is gorgeous! keep on the good work - i follow now! <3
    i'd be very glad if u could visit my blog too :)

    POCKETFUL OF DREAMS

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  36. Awesome story, especially since you can laugh about it now!

    Feel better soon, Whitney!

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  37. Awww feel better, Whitney!!! And you're right- girl's hilarious. We are all SO worth the $6 quesadilla!

    xo

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  38. I totally got that LiLo Dooney & Bourke and wore the SHIT out of that purse.

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  39. Oh my gosh!! Definitely need tequila after all of that! haha

    Also, Whitney, I had the flu/cold mutant thing that I'm just now getting over. It took almost three weeks. I hated my life.

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  40. hahahah this is a great story but honestly, best part- Kristen from Laguna Beach look- I totally wore a black shirt with tight black choker everywhere.. and I so thought I was the bomb.

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  41. I forwarded this to my best friend.. She got a deep fryer for her 2-year anniversary once, so I think she understands your plight!

    Georgia
    http://www.passioniscatching.com/

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  42. AH! This so brings me back! I totally rocked a Dooney and Bourke bag all through high school. Great post!

    Enjoy your night :)

    ♥ Talia
    http://rubytiaradiaries.blogspot.com

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  43. haha love this! all high school boys are pretty bad at valentines day, so not super surprising!
    -- jackiejade.blogspot.com

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