It's humpday and I'm currently sucking down my beloved sugar free RedBull in hopes of being somewhat more useful than tits on a bull today.
Alright, all of that aside, today I'm going to get real here. Really real. See, I'm the first to rant about the fluff blogs who never really expose their true self and only seem to live on a planet far from my own, full of rainbows and unicorns. Of course, I'd love if my life was all of that (who doesn't want to ride a unicorn on a rainbow?) and if that really is their life, kudos, but I personally can't relate. I'm one of those humans who has real human problems and experiences real human issues. Not to say I want to hear about fights or arguments with loved ones but it's ok, in my opinion, to give your readers real insight to what makes you, you.
Still with me? If you are, let's continue. So, if you've read my about me you may have caught on that I once had a different blog, which I deleted because of something that went down (to China Town) in my life. Elaborating... I was planning a wedding at one point in my life. Yep, this girl was once engaged, for about 3ish months. Why so short of an engagement? Well, to put it most bluntly, I was incredibly unhappy. From the proposal to the motives to the guy, it was all wrong.
The proposal, or lack there of, was a complete mistake. You see, I found the ring in a drawer on accident. It was weird and awkward and no matter how much I tried to justify it, it sucked. Definitely not what I had ever dreamed of. It was the perfect start to one of the biggest train wrecks my 25 years on this planet has ever seen.
The two of us weren't meant to be from the beginning. When I met him I was a young 19 year old and he was a bouncer (who was 3 years older) at a popular college bar I frequented, if you catch my drift. It was pretty cool, at the time, getting free entry, a 21+ band and all of the free well vodka I could consume on any given night. At 19, this is the stuff that makes you oooh and ahhh. At least it did for me. We dated off (a lot of off) and on for a couple years - we were one of those couples who broke up every few months, it was just as obnoxious as it sounds. I was always the reason behind the breakups and I admit that fully. I was selfish, young, and wanted nothing more than to go out and get crazy with my equally young girlfriends. That's what your early 20's are, right?
Well, somewhere along the lines, I guess, I got caught up in the mindset that I needed to grow up a little faster than I was and, in a sense, get the show on the road. (this is the part where I curse Facebook because young girls are way too impressionable - i.e. yours truly) Thus, I agreed to peruse this thing... all the while, my heart wasn't even 5% in the right place for such a huge thing. The idea sounded alright but the big picture was nothing I could ever envision.
After about a month of being engaged and my 24th birthday passing, I started to realize that this was really going to happen if I didn't do anything. Never in my life have I felt so trapped. There was a strong bit of manipulation coming from one part of the relationship (hint: not my end) and it was a really, really big disaster. On top of that, my family wanted to hear nothing of this wedding being called off. I was the most alone I had ever been, seriously alone. Making the decision to leave was the easy part, really, but the hard part was getting anyone else on board with me. God forbid my feelings actually mattered...
They say "when you know, you know" and I think this goes for the one and also the not so one. I knew, wholeheartedly, this was not the future I wanted for myself. Not in the slightest. The "D word" is the only future I saw with him if I actually went through with it... I couldn't, I wouldn't (as my man Dr. Seuss would say). So, I didn't. I gave the ring back and ended it.
Kind of like this.
Did he fight me? Absolutely. Insisted therapy, counseling, etc. I couldn't even fathom going to couples counseling at the ripe age of 24... I'm a firm believer that if there are massive issues from the beginning it's, most likely, never going to get better. In addition, I wasn't even slightly sad about the situation. It was like I had an empty chamber where my love organ was supposed to be located. Right then I knew, deep inside, I had completely done the right thing despite what just about everyone around me was telling me.
If I can say one positive thing that came from all of this it's that I really think I found myself during all of it. I learned how to listen to myself and how to tune out the world's white noise, which is an extremely blissful lesson. I also became a lot closer with different people in my life who were there for me and supported me. Even one lovely lady, who didn't even know me (I'm looking at you, PLL!), reached her hand out to me and helped me sort through that big mess.
So, there you have it... That time I was engaged to Mr. Wrong (the thought still makes me cringe a little). Virtual hugs for any of you who made it through this little novel.